Raising Resilient Children
Joyce Henson
An “F” on a final exam. Winning the lead role in the school play. A frustrating loss in the State Finals. An acceptance letter by your college of choice. Being selected as captain of the team. We all know the “thrill of victory and the agony of defeat,” and given the choice, each of us would undeniably prefer victory. As parents, we spend years challenging and inspiring our children to succeed, teaching them to despise defeat, often ignoring life lessons that only disappointment can bring. Working with disappointment provides us an invaluable tool for raising resilient children who meet failure head-on and still find a way to win. Parents can help their children to expect failure in life and consequently find a way to convert this well-known negative into an affirming life lesson. With this in mind, I would like to offer a “tool chest” of strategies for turning the tables on disappointment.
The first tool, role-playing, provides a wonderful way for our children to be mentally prepared for disappointments by rehearsing possible “game-time” reactions to failure. For example, if the debate team depends on your child to present a killer conclusion, the pressure can become unbearable. While no one can insure success in the debate, we can role-play how it might feel to face her disappointed teammates and her appreciative opponents. How does a gracious second-place response sound? What would she want her losing opponent to say to her? Nothing can remove the sting of losing a single debate, but the potential lifelong character achieved in the process is worth pursuing.
A second tool in our virtual tool chest is the “debriefing” method. While role-playing helps our child prepare for an upcoming challenge, “debriefing” involves processing a failed attempt after-the-fact to massage hurt feelings and hopefully place the accompanying disappointment in perspective. After a loss or frustrating performance, I suggest giving your child some ample time to breathe and gather emotions but find a later time to discuss “what if” scenarios, possibly over a meal. You may spend most of this time listening to your child vent his frustrations but that may be just what the doctor ordered. Resilient, successful children and adults never quit – they keep trying and trying again. After a failure, many of us feel like quitting and just hearing our child talk about “next time” may be the greatest value of debriefing.
A third powerful tool in the chest is affirmation and acceptance. As our children face disappointments, they need our acceptance and affirmation every step of the way toward the next experience. In the crucial moments immediately following our child’s disappointment, OUR words may kill the spirit or heal the hurt. Take full advantage of this small window of opportunity. Make an effort to say things like, “We are in your corner no matter what happens!” or “Dad and I are your biggest fans, and we are so proud of your efforts!” or even “Mom and I will always be here to experience these moments and forever cherish the special moments we have shared!” If she hears these words often, you may hear her complete your familiar affirming statement, before you have a chance to finish. My husband, David and I feel so strongly about this particular tool that we have attempted to be present at every event our children have encountered, athletic or academic, to speak these words. These moments together only reinforce the fact that we love and support our child no matter what the outcome, and that can make a huge difference in their outlook.
The last tool inside our tool chest, strange as it may sound, is the Forsyth Country Day School community. As parents, we all bear the responsibility for who educates our children. David and I chose FCDS because of the hands-on partnership offered among the teachers, students and parents. We have benefited from close interaction with teachers and other parents throughout our children’s academic and behavioral challenges. The FCDS community provides a place for David and I to walk alongside our children, giving us access to the teachable moments so we can really make a difference in how our children respond and react in life’s difficult moments!
Most kids spend countless hours on basketball courts and in front of mirrors rehearsing that last second shot or acceptance speech. We know how to win, but how many of us have been taught how to lose and better yet, how to face the emptiness of defeat? Our children need to know that there can be victory even in defeat and disappointment. As parents, it is a precious gift we give our children when we stand with them in defeat and we seize that priceless moment to make something great out of it, even more, something great out of them.
