How Much Is Too Much?
Lu Anne Wood
As we approach another holiday season, I am wondering how we as parents know if we are doing too much for our children. Are we scheduling too much, buying too much, and generally expecting too much of our children and everyone else?
Why do we feel compelled to do more and give more to our children, when we know that the most valuable lessons for them would be to develop self-control, understand moderation and be grateful for what they have?
A child psychologist or parenting expert I am not! The only guidance I might offer is strictly a result of twenty-two years of experience helping to rear our own three children. Now that our two sons are in college, (a senior and a freshman), and our daughter is in eleventh grade here at Forsyth Country Day, I find myself “reflecting” quite often about things my husband, Jeff, and I may have done well, and things we may have done better with regard to parenting.
When we began having children, I chose to stay at home to care for them, and did so for nineteen years. Jeff and I completely rearranged our lives to meet our children’s needs. We read books to them, made a concerted effort to enjoy meals together each day, engaged them in conversations, took them practically anywhere they wanted to go, and bought all the toys and games we could possibly squeeze into our house! We completely indulged them in every way, and we loved doing it.
I especially loved reading to them and buying them toys. I finally realized that I may have overdone my toy purchases a bit when, on several occasions, people who saw all of the playhouse, swing set, toy truck, sandbox and riding toy equipment, etc. in our yard, actually stopped at our house to ask if I was operating a day care center!
When the children became old enough to participate in sports and other activities, I found that I needed a chart just to keep up with where they were supposed to go and on which day. Let’s see, there was soccer, Kindermusik, scouts, basketball, gymnastics, piano lessons, science center visits, ballet, jazz, art gallery activities, cotillion, a couple of birthday parties to attend each week, church choir and little league baseball --- all of this for each of our three children!
My own childhood was much more simplistic, but I have no complaints. My only activities outside of school were piano lessons and the church choir, but I had time to PLAY. In fact, my fondest memories are of afternoons spent at friends’ homes or in neighbors’ backyards. We talked, biked everywhere, and played a lot of basketball. My mom and dad were wonderful parents, but I do not ever remember them “entertaining” me as a child. I only made that “I’M BORED!” statement once or twice to my parents because I learned that their response was to immediately put me to work helping around the house. I do not recall any further boredom!
It is so difficult sometimes to just allow your child to experience boredom. Contrary to what we may believe, every hour does not have to be scheduled or planned. This is especially important to remember during the holidays. The stress and fatigue of too many events takes its toll on all of us. I encourage you to do less and enjoy more!
Times are different now, you might argue. We have become convinced that children must be exposed to numerous organized learning experiences in order to remain competitive with their classmates and to “stay busy”. I have heard my friends say, “Our children beg to participate in all of these activities, and we do not want them to miss any opportunities!”
As our children became older, we found that they began making their own choices of which activities to pursue along with those they chose to discontinue. It was not easy for us, as parents, to accept the fact that OUR youth basketball team, dance lesson, and little league baseball days were ending! Reluctant though we were, we had to adjust to those changes. We found it to be even more difficult when the children decided to stop playing various team sports at school. “Are you SURE?”, we would ask? “Yes, mom and dad”, they would respond calmly and thoughtfully. “I have loved being on that team, but I feel I must focus more on other areas now, so I have made the decision to not play.” What?! We could not believe it! Jeff and I were not ready to stop playing on that team! However, we have all continued with other endeavors, happily.
A question that comes to mind is whether the excess in our children’s lives is a result of what the children want, or what we, their parents want? That’s a tough one.
There are numerous educators and psychologists who would declare that we have done our children a huge disservice by planning too much for them. I do not disagree. I suppose Jeff and I pretty much overdid everything, but I believe the key to effective parenting may be BALANCE, and modeling positive patterns of behavior.
With all that our children have received in terms of enjoyable activities and material items, we have worked diligently to ensure that they have understood the importance of spiritual growth and the importance of looking for how they might give of themselves for others. I will say that Jeff and I are very pleased that all three of our children are involved in church and community service opportunities, and they contribute to a variety of volunteer activities.
Wendy Mogel, PhD., a clinical psychologist, educator, and author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, writes, “Like God, new parents are miracle workers. When children are tiny babies, we vigilantly monitor everything that goes into their mouths. We make sure they aren’t hungry or thirsty, and we provide constant protection and care. But as children mature, we need to withdraw from smoothing their path and satisfying all their wishes. This is the only way children will mature into resilient, self-reliant adults. By continuing to make miracles on demand, we are unwittingly slowing down the development of our children’s strength.”
As Director of Admission, I truly take pleasure in the time I spend talking with hundreds of families about their children. I have met all kinds of parents with all kinds of qualities: parents who are pleasant, permissive, poised, protective, preoccupied, prudent, possessive, passive and positive. I have learned something from each of them, and have gained a clearer understanding and perspective of my own parenting style.
Would I do things differently with our children if I were given the opportunity? Maybe. I would like to think that I might worry less, relax more, and not be consumed by trying to manage every moment of our children’s lives. There may be times when they are a little bit hungry, or a little bit cold, or a little bit weary, and they will be fine. They will learn how to adjust, respond and become responsible, caring adults. Isn’t that what we all want?
For each of our families I hope for blessings, peace and joy during the holiday season and beyond. Make the most of the time you have with your children!
Lu Anne C. Wood
Mother, and Director of Admission at Forsyth Country Day School